puppey boye

the time in my life in which i was making this site, and active on social media, i was extremely isolated in a shitty relationship, abusing drugs and alcohol, and severely anorexic and bulimic. i dont think it would be visible to anyone else from the way i presented myself on line but it is to me. im not embarrassed of the content here, or ashamed or anything (maybe kinda) but it is a little painful to look at. the image i tried to create of myself online was dishonest and obfuscatory which i do cringe at, but it was also kind of a place i could pretend like i was someone or something else, and it was a comfort.

i had to step away from lolita in order to recover, as well as almost all aspects of the life i was living at the time. i still love egl but its unfortunately become totally linked to how i felt and behaved back then. lolita just became motivation to lose weight by the end. it was definitely probably out of a subconscious desire to feel small and carefree like i imagine a child would- or to be small enough to disappear from my life which i hated so much. i should say i dont think this is a common thing among lolitas/brolitas though. its a common misconception that lolita's purpose is to live the fantasy of being a kid again. i havent seen anyone else say they have had this same experience although i do know there are other lolitas with eating disorders. maybe their eating disorder is also related to a desire to escape adulthood, and maybe lolita or fashion/styling became a tool for that purpose too. maybe its not like that at all. it wasn't even entirely a pathological peter pan thing for me, it only became that way once my life/mental state went into the shitter and i had nothing else to lean on. kind of stupid right? egl meant a lot to me and i ruined it for myself a bit, in the end.

im a lot healthier now, although i have damaged/stunted my body and brain. i look somewhat normal for a guy of my age, for the first time since i was a teenager. most of the lolita pieces i own either dont fit or just look a little silly on me. it's scary to look at them sometimes cause i think "i wish i could wear this again". i'm working up the courage to sell those pieces that don't fit rather than hating myself for having a bmi over 15.

my life is good now and i finally have real friends and people who love me. im semi-independent and moved far away from my hometown. i still suffer but now there are good things to balance it out. i want to be an honest person; a truly genuinely honest person with as little shame and fear as possible, who can talk about his life and pain candidly and calmly enough that it stops being so painful anymore, and without being afraid of how people will judge him, or feeling like he's taking up too much space just by being present. id like to start a new personal site soon, with a little less performance and fear of judgement! i'd also like to get a haircut.